Mr Molina
by pleasebiteme
Summary: Mr. Banner is a creeper & Edward sets things straight. random, OOC, fun. Rated T for mild language. r&r! :D
1. Chapter 1

**I'm going to put all of the extra stuff that I need said at the end. So any WTF questions you might have will be answered in the end.**

It was a beautiful cloudy day in our beautiful town of Forks. Bella Swan was swarming around her house getting her things together when her beautiful vampire boyfriend knocked on the door.

**Hey, is it beautiful by some chance?**

She opened the door and grinned stupidly. "Hi! Just a minute."

Edward waited patiently and leaned on the doorframe.

"Lezgo!" she exclaimed and leaped towards the steps.

The two kiddies drove down the street toward the school. Bella turned the radio on the heavy rock station and was proceeding to try to head bang. She looked like a complete asshole.

Edward chuckled to himself, for he found this completely endearing. **He would.**

The stupid shiny Volvo owner pulled into the parking lot of the school and eased into a spot effortlessly.

The day went by rather quickly for both Bella and Edward. Alice had a vision of some skank buying the exact purple dress that she wanted, which was on clearance, and left school early. Jasper was freaking out because the school psychiatrist went on a frenzy with almost every student in the building and he couldn't figure out whether he felt lost and abandoned or if it was the kid down the hall. Needless to say, he left early as well.

Come Biology, Bella wasn't in any mood to be in school anymore. She couldn't help but think of her next class: PE. They were doing physical testing, and she would have to run two miles just so the teacher could tell her what an awful athlete she was. What a festive thought.

Mr. Banner entered the room and turned off the lights.

"Good afternoon, class. Our principal asked me to show you the required Sex Ed video today…just sit tight. Doodle if you really don't care, I know some of you don't need it." He winked subtly.

"What a freakin' creep!" Bella gasped.

Edward's face was contorted with disgust. "That's quite the understatement."

"Why?"

He shook his head. "Never mind."

"Always mind! You shall tell me!"

"Later," he whispered. "The delicious movie is starting."

"Yum," she retorted sarcastically.

Sometime during the middle of the video, as Bella was drawing a detailed stick figure portrait of her and Edward, she felt a nudge in her side. She looked towards Edward, who nodded his head ever so inconspicuously towards the teacher. He was staring straight at her with an attempted crooked smile. It looked like he was born disfigured. He looked away almost as soon as she looked up.

She wrote, "What?" on a piece of paper and slid it to Edward.

He passed back the same piece of paper, and under her scribble it said, "I'll tell you later…" in beautiful calligraphy.

She sighed dramatically. "Fine," she wrote on the paper. "I guess I'm used to this."

Edward smiled and turned his fictitious attention back to the video. **I'm sure he's pretty damn educated by now.**

Once the video was finally finished and the bell rang, Edward stood gracefully and scooped up both his and Bella's books.

She groaned. "Time for gym."

"How about we skip that unnecessary torture today?"

She smiled brightly. "Great! Now, do I pretend to throw up or pass out in your arms?"

He scripted quickly on a piece of paper and showed it to her. "Or you can get a legitimate note from your father." He winked at her.

"Now, why can't you just do this every day?" She giggled.

"Well, then, your very observant teacher would start to get suspicious."

He guided her out of the classroom. Just before he walked out of the door he shot a quick glance at Banner. It was met with the teacher's own eyes. He obviously didn't know what he was in for.

As soon as they got through the main office and out the door, Bella's eyes were beginning to question. Then her mouth followed by example.

"What was that all about?"

"I'm sure it's…nothing, Bella."

"What was that pause? Why am I always missing a vital piece of information?"

"It's only because you don't have superhuman powers, silly."

"I am _not_ being silly! You can't just keep me in the dark, you know."

"Fine. I'll shine some light on your perspective," he agreed.

"Thank you," she said, surprised by how easily he had given in, but still firm.

"Well, let's start out with this: pretend I couldn't read minds. You didn't find anything suspicious about Mr. Banner today?"

"Not really. He's kind of an awkward sort, but that's every day. I mean, what was that remark about? He basically called Jessica Stanley a whore."

"Why do you say Jessica?" he asked.

"Because she's a whore."

"Simple enough. She did throw herself at—"

"Don't change the subject!"

"Bella, this shouldn't be too difficult to figure out…"

"Thank you for undermining my intelligence and female intuition. Now tell me so that I don't feel stupid anymore."

"Banner is a perverted potential pedophile," he said simply.

"Heh. PPP!"

"Bella, be serious."

"I am being serious!" she insisted. "I honestly don't think he is."

"Remember how we said we were going to pretend that I couldn't read minds? That's sort of over."

"Oh yeah. That. Well, what did he think?"

"I'd rather not…But please trust me."

"You're so cute and virtuous!" she said, bubbliness coloring her voice.

He rolled his eyes. "You know that that isn't at all what this is about." **Pretty far from virtuous if you ask me…**

"Well, I don't know anything, you said so yourself," she teased.

"Silly girl," he said, a smile in his voice. "You know everything. Give yourself some more credit."

"Eh. I think I'd rather focus on the fact that we have a hormonal middle-aged man teaching us Sex Education. But thanks!"

Edward laughed. "Well, that's a way to put it."

"It be!"

He cocked his head. "Oh…kay?"

Bella nodded.

Edward had other things on his mind, so he chose to not press this one conversation. It obviously wasn't going very far.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, thankfully, it was completely overcast, not a ray of sunlight in sight.

It went by in a blur for our notorious Edward Cullen. Bella was having a harder time getting through it, though.

She's just so damn Bella. (Bella- Adj; lacking grace; falling frequently, making a fool of oneself constantly.)

Starting right from the welcoming morning, she got her sock caught at a post at the end of her bed, ripped it completely, then fell out of bed due to the unexpected obstacle. Once dressed, she went downstairs to get herself some breakfast. She stuck a couple of Pop-Tarts in the toaster, only to have it smoke up a second later and set them on fire. What had Charlie done to it this morning? She tried to look for a trace of noodles or last night's meatloaf, but couldn't find anything. Maybe the toaster was a vegetarian and couldn't eat the gelatin in the Pop-Tarts' frosting. **Fun facts!**

Once in school, she failed to see the "Caution: Wet Floor" sign and slipped on the water inevitably. Those signs should have neon, lit-up arrows pointing to it for the less coordinated.

She opened her locker, only to realize that she forgot her pencil case at home, and had to borrow a writing implement from a creepy bystander.

If that were the end, she might still have some color in her eyes. Mid-day, she turned her head as she was walking up the stares, only to see a dancing Jacob cleaning the windows. He had pressed his face on the glass and made unsettling faces at her. He looked like a penguin with a birth defect. **That's horrible! Take it back!**

Fine. He had looked like a _werewolf_ with a birth defect. Better? **Exceptionally.**

Seeing as she was walking up the stairs, or seeing as she was within a ten-foot radius _of_ stairs, she tripped horrendously and everyone within that ten-foot radius was refraining laughter. They might have let that laughter out if a big, tough, beautiful, intimidating, amazing,-- **You suck. **Sorry! – Vampire walked through the crowd and escorted her to Biology.

"Well, that was fun…" she commented when she was safely in a seat. She was careful not to fall out of it, just in case.

"That's okay. It's not your day, you're—"

Mid-sentence, Mr. Banner walked up to the two lovebirds and interrupted Edward. **What a hoe!**

"So, Bella, I see you have been less than graceful today."

"Um…today, everyday, what's the difference?" she answered apprehensively. _Maybe Edward's right…_ she thought. **Of course he's right! He's always right! You shan't**—Will you shut up?

"Well, I'm sure no one noticed."

"You obviously did…" Why is she still speaking? Why is he? Go away!

"Yes, but the difference is that I didn't see anything bad about it, in fact—"

Edward rose from his chair, completely fed up. With his thoughts, though, or his speech? Probably both.

"Would you like to explain what you're doing?"

Mr. Banner looked shocked as he stood in front of their desk with his jaw dropped. "Well, I am a teacher, Mr. Cullen. I'm sure you can understand that I—"

Edward laughed before he could finish. His face became serious quickly, though, and he leaned toward the man.

"Don't think I don't know, _sir_," he said, accentuating the word 'sir' with mocking emphasis.

"I'm sorry, is that a threat?" **What an **_**idiot**_

Edward now stood with normal posture, using his casual, velvet voice.

"You've got a classroom of students staring at you, and, might I say, that their eyeballs are about to pop out. Have fun explaining. I'm a student, a victim, the lamb," he winked at Bella at the last part. "And you, dear sir, are a _sick, masochistic lion._" **Oh, snap!**

Banner was completely befuddled. He walked to the front of the room, keeping his eye on Edward almost the entire time. **Suspicion will rise if you carry on like this, dearest Eddy-Kins.**

"What was that? Why would you do that? Don't you have any idea what will come of this? Who am I kidding, of course you do. You probably consulted Alice, didn't you? What did she say? Oh, my God, Edward, do you know how many questions you'll get from those obnoxious nosy kids?"

He stared at her with a blank face, and then a smile subtly broke out on it.

"Irony has once again made its presence known."

Bella sighed, exasperated. "I should trust you, I know that. But what if Mr. Banner goes and does something drastic?"

"Like what? Shoot me?" He laughed genuinely. "Bella, there is nothing he could do. He can't possibly reveal our secret, which is the only thing anyone could ever do to us, because he doesn't know our secret. I know what I'm doing."

**Smooth man.**

Later at home, Alice was in Edward's room, Bella fallen asleep on the Edward.

"You _are_ aware that you must be as subtle as possible," Alice stated in a voice that sounded as if there were an elf in the room. Because there was.

"That's practically an insult. Of course I'm aware," he answered.

Suddenly, her eyes glazed over and her expression became one of none.

Edward was burning with curiosity, but waited patiently for the contents of her vision to be uncovered. Once the slightest spark reappeared in her eyes, she was scowling. "What an ass," she said simply.

"Who? What?"

"Banner."

"Cleary. What's he going to do?" Edward asked with a sour edge to his voice.

"Something completely senile and unnecessary, of course."

"Like…?"

"Well, it involves a camera crew…"

"Are you serious?" Edward said, trying to believe her.

"Dead. No pun intended."

"What else does it involve?"

"A hat. Obviously," stating this as if it were a hideous thought of him not knowing. Why had he just asked? He could see the vision through her mind. So this whole scene was just fluff? Naturally.

A grouchy Bella sat up on the couch, her hair in disarray.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Creepy camera men."

"Coo'." With that, she fell back on the couch, bouncing with the impact.

"This should make class interesting," Edward pondered.

"That guy is a freaking' psycho. I wonder what excuse he'll give…"


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

"Class, I would like to make an announcement. As you can all see, there are some changes in the atmosphere of the classroom." This is how Mr. Banner chose to start class.

His statement brought on a few sarcastic comments under the breaths of a few students.

"I would just like to say, that this is for a degree that I am trying to get. Please don't be alarmed or distracted by the cameras behind your desks."

What kind of stunt was this guy trying to pull? Those cameramen could easily be killed and the evidence destroyed barely without the lift of a finger. Unfortunately, 'could' being the key word….

The air was thick, Edward ready to rip the educator to shreds using every fiber of his being; strong-ass fibers.

Through this thick air, though, Mike Newton was sitting in the back of the classroom giggling. Edward shot him a look, but Mike didn't feel threatened.

_HA. _Mike thought. _CAMERA CREWS ARE AMAZING. If I were to look at Bella right now, he wouldn't hurt me like last time…-snicker- _

Edward snarled at him and Newton shut his giggling mouth. This didn't stop his hum-like giggling, though. _HA._

And then the delusional author shut up about the stupid kid and went on with the story.

"Now, today's lesson—" he tried to say, but was interrupted by an unsettling sound. Mike Newton was—

SHUT UP.

Later in the day:

Alice was wearing a messenger outfit, hat and bag in all their glory. She got questionable looks from the rest of the family members, but shrugged them off. She'd seen this coming.

"KILL THE MESSENGER!" Emmett shouted as she speeded halfway down the stairs at top speed.

"EDWARD AND BELLA CULLEN!" she shouted as she ran into the living room, where both Edward and Bella were sitting, and watching "Wow Wow Wubsy" upon Bella's request.

Edward gave her a look. Not only was she wearing a ridiculous outfit, but she basically gave away a huge spoiler as to what would happen in the future of their lives. He hadn't finished the book yet.

He tried to open his mouth to speak but decided against it and let her deliver her news.

"I HAVE SOME NEWS!"

"We haven't noticed," he said, rolling his eyes. "Let's hear it." He sounded calm, cool and collected on the outside but he was really freaking out. Who knew what information her visions held? Jacob Black could appear out of nowhere. Nothing would be worse than that.

"Bella's going to get raped."

Never mind.

"WHAT?" he practically shouted, standing almost invisibly? **That was "invisibly" with a period before but then Microsoft Word made it "invisibly?" so I kept it. More fun facts!**

"By who?" Bella asked, her voice seeming to come out of nowhere. She said this so nonchalantly that Edward found it quite unsettling.

"Mr. Banner," Alice responded.

"WHY IS IT SO COOOLLD!" Bella complained. "Never mind. It subsided."

That breeze just so happened to be Edward racing out the door as fast as he possibly could.

"Oh. Eddy-Poo left! Alice, let's have a tea party."

"I don't think this is the best timing for that, Bella," Alice said carefully, like the mature babysitter who was watching the slow kid.

"Mkay."


	4. Chapter 4

Edward stalked through the halls of Forks High, looking for classroom 108

CHAPTER FOUR

Edward stalked through the halls of Forks High, looking for classroom 108.

He stood in the doorframe silently, unnoticeable.

With a clearing of the throat, he caught Banner's attention quickly.

The crew was sitting by their cameras, lounging and eating finger sandwiches. There was no one in the room that could be a potential threat, after all. Not until now.

What they didn't realize, though, was that the being standing before them could make any move he made untraceable. He could commit any crime imaginable and get away with it without even quickening his breath.

Maybe "potential threat" was an understatement….

So quickly that no human in that room would be able to see, never mind predict, what he was doing, Edward was standing casually by the wires, sitting in a tangled jumble next to one of the cameras.

"Can I help you?" the man at the desk asked. His tone showed that he was trying to sound confident, but his heartbeat and the almost undetectable stutter in his words gave him away.

"Yes, actually," Edward replied, but kept his answer to that.

_There is seriously something shady about that guy, _one of the cameramen thought. Oh, he had no idea.

With a swift motion that lasted all but two seconds, every camera was disconnected, utterly useless to the men scattered around.

"What are you doing, Mr. Cullen?" Mr. Banner asked, clearly apprehensive this time. Even a human could detect his trembles as he tried to figure out what was happening.

"Could you excuse us for a second, gentlemen?" Edward asked the crew with the smoothest voice, no trace of senility.

Banner threw them a frantic glance, but couldn't do much about it.

One by one, they shuffled out of the room.

Once Edward was sure they were out of earshot, he slowly progressed towards Banner.

"Are you aware that every aspect of what you plan on doing is wrong? Disgusting? Immoral and hideous?

There was a bit of a pause as Banner collected his own thoughts, and Edward did the same.

Breaking the silence, the teacher said, "How did you do all that so quickly?"

Edward laughed and shifted to a new question. "What kind of stunt are you trying to pull?"

Fabricated innocence washed over the man's face as he struggled to put words to his answer.

"I'm not sure I know what you're talking about," he replied.

"Oh, but I'm sure you do, so kindly cut to the chase. If you do so much as think about touching a certain student of yours, I _will_ kill you." **Holy guacamole.**

By now, Banner's palms were sweating.

"That would be all." And with that, the vampire walked out of the room gracefully, as if nothing had happened.

Banner fainted.

Alice was waiting for Edward's return back at the house. As she paced around the living room, Bella sat on the couch reading a book, completely oblivious.

When he walked through the door, Alice was by his side in a matter of seconds.

"Edward Cullen, what did you _do_?" she hissed.

"I simply set him straight, Alice," he replied grimly.

"Did you ever think about what this could motivate him to do? You showed your full speed and strength. Suspicion isn't even in our vocabulary anymore!"

"Who would believe him? He has less charisma than a turtle and I have more than a politician."

Alice raised her arms in exasperation and stalked off, leaving Bella in the room with him to do the rest of the interrogating.

"How was your meeting with the asshole?" she asked brightly.

The next day in class, Banner was absent. The substitute dryly said that it was due to a headache and went on with the work he'd left.

Edward smiled to himself.

Uncontrollable giggles could be heard in the back of the class. Mike Newton was still hysterical and no one was sure why, so he was left alone to grow to be a senile old man.

In La Push, Jacob Black was having the time of his life.

He had been playing online poker and won over 10,000. He now had four cats, a treadmill and a new refrigerator. Life was clearly amazing.

**Okay, I don't even know where to START.**

**I got this idea from a story called Going Bananas by Hermione W Cullen.**

**It was great.**

**So yeah.**

**And there is so much that I need to say like,**

**It was extremely OOC, and I had a lot of fun writing it cuz it didn't have to make sense.**

**Also, a note:**

**If this is the first story you're reading by me, please don't let it be your last. XD**

**I didn't follow any rules of writing here.**

**It was strictly for fun.**

**In my real stories, I don't stick random authors notes and make them part of it.**

**But it was really fun to do, I must say...**

**So yeah.**

**More will probably be added here when i remember.**

**:D**

**PLEASE REVIEW THIS TOOK FOREVER.**

**woo!**

**Also, the title...**

**In the movie, his name is going to be Mr. Molina**

**and I asked my bff jill what to name this story**

**and she was like**

**MR MOLINA SOUNDS LIKE MOLESTER.**

**and i couldn't resist.**


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